(The result of the loss of compassion after you have survived your own hell.
This accidentally unhearthed in my case something I wish I'd never found out)
(– LOVE: 6:20)
The more I hated myself, the more I needed to be loved. The more I slayed demons and fears, the less love I needed to feel united, strong and peaceful.
The more I love myself, the less I need people that hate themselves in my life. The ones who breathe darkness into light. But it doesn’t mean I am above you. It just means that I can't understand and process anymore why you are so fucking weak. It means that all your ups and downs, all of your dualities, questions and struggles are now meaningless to me. It means that every time you talk to me, you are chipping away my energy. Just stop talking to me.
Love is just a need, like everything else
It isn’t sacred, nor special, nor untouchable it is just a crutch for our own weaknesses and is as imperfect as we are. It has been tarnished like everything else.
For most people, love is just an epic compensation for their lack of self-esteem and their incapacity at being happy.
When relations end
It is so easy to replace the person that held this special place with someone else
Just to cope with the pain of loss or fear of being alone
We build these new relations with the ashes of the ones before
Being certain that this new person will be better
And that this failure would never happen again
Because the person who you put your love into seems special somehow
But then suddenly, all of the things you know that ultimately led to your demise disappears
And you meet someone new
And the entire process starts all over again
The coldness I feel is a result of that understanding
The need for love is similar to the need for food.
In extreme conditions, humans will eat/drink anything to stay alive
They do the same when confronted with the darkness of solitude
Lowering themselves to be loved, even if it means to extinguish themselves
By killing their own passions and freedom.
I just can’t do that, love is not misery
And if it is, I shall forever walk alone
The fear of failure has created this distance between inner feelings and the manifestations of affection
I have tried to open up and share what’s locked inside
But every time I try I am shut down by the sad reality that no one can cope with your inner truths
And until the day I die I will bear the mark of solitude
Oh sweet isolation, from affection…
I am not trying to sully love or taint it to fit my views. This feeling haunted me even when I was happy with someone. The more I felt at peace, the more I felt we were growing apart.
This song is what I have been trying to tell you all these years, when I was far away, lost in the midst of cosmic bereavement...