(The void, the absence of everything that motivates you or stimulates you, you are suffering on the inside and the external world has stopped existing. Only your inner self exists. Coldness leads to emptiness)
It is said that nothing in this universe is gained or lost. That everything is in perfect balance and that everything is just altering from one state or another. Be it physical or energetic.
The underlying implication of this would be that the absence of something should be replaced by something of a similar value and that loss would always be temporary. This science was once referred to as alchemy and it was once believed that we could transmute matter and ourselves at will. But can this same process really be achieved with emotions?
What happens to your happiness when it is removed from you? Is it chopped down and redistributed to the universe in some abstract form of energy? Are you in some weird and fucked up way the benefactor of some poor distant family that just happen to have won the lottery? It seems to me that this entire thematic is somewhat reminiscent of bedtime stories we were once told as children. In my experience, joy has never been refined and evenly redistributed after its removal. It was torn away from me without any warning and left me mourning with a gaping black hole at the core of my being. This black hole couldn't be filled by anything else and would eventually devour every inch of positive thinking. It felt like I was being punished by God.
The obsession for Black Metal is my failed transmutation process
Where I tried to replace love and joy by hate and pain
It was my own way to rebalance the sheer feeling of emptiness. Because the absence of resentment is worse than any negativity
Some call it boredom, I call it the absence of purpose
And hating as well as suffering gives you a sense of purpose
In a sick and twisted way
I don't know if you ever felt this raw feeling of utter emptiness inside of you
It isn't triggered by pain, betrayal or depression
It is just something that slowly anchors to your life
When nothing out of the ordinary happens in your life anymore
The flatlining of your existence, where everyday looks exactly the same
The cold gray mornings and tasteless breakfast
The empty streets and faint lights
The uneventful and boring day at work
The same conversations ending up in whining or frustration about nothing and everything
The empty bed at night
When even the idea of suicide seems drab
And the death of a fellow human being, an information.
When time for yourself becomes time to kill
And you find yourself every night, melting away in your couch, watching TV
Hoping the day will finish, so you can wake up the next day and die a little more
Living your life on automatic pilot, sometimes even forgetting you are existing.
Life becomes like watching a movie for the thousandth time
You know how it starts and how it ends, but the surprise, suspense and entertainment are gone
Days becomes a succession of meaningless moments your need to endure before going to sleep
The need for sex, food and affection slowly disappears
You stop showering and barely go out of your house anymore
I remember masturbating to gruesome beheading videos in hope to feel disgusted again
Emptiness is really the final step before starting to kill or fall in complete madness
It is where the evil in man really dwells
It cannot be cured with pills or words of encouragement
It is beyond redemption for it is above the duality of men
The phantasm of gruesome and violent acts becomes an attempt of our mind to feel again
The only way to break out of this circle is to hit rock bottom.
By creating a clash between reality and the feeling of comfort you created while bathing in your own shit
By breaking the filter and bringing the ugliness back to the surface
The feeling of utter humiliation and revulsion of yourself is the only thing strong enough to reignite the will to live
Destroying yourself also destroys what you hate about yourself
You can then be reborn through the annihilation of your inferior trivial self
Embrace your sins, your pains and joy
And hope to prevail someday by being able to control how you feel instead of burying it so deep
That you end up forgetting how to feel again
Emotions are what makes us divine. It is the only true language in which all things communicate
It is the voice of your purpose
It is what elevates us to something more than just animals
That fuck and destroy everything that is beautiful and sacred
You should wear it as your pride, it holds the key to your own salvation
If you are still reading this, you are one of the few that still care about the path and where it leads
Instead of blindly following the flock of drones to their extinction
You have chosen the path of unwavering integrity
Where we've been forged by the fiery blade of adversity and endurance
The only true way to break down fears and boundaries.
The constant struggle of keeping evil at bay
Has bestowed upon us enough strength to support this rotting world
We are shining bright in these dark days of deceit
The manifest of darkness, has reigned long enough.
What lies ahead, is pure abiding elation
And when in doubt, always remember this: