(The pounding voice inside commanding me to self-destruct)
The lack of cohesion between dreams and reality has plagued me for years.
With a longing for unachievable accomplishments and a profound feeling of existential failure.
In his early age, a normal human being understands the limitation of his physical-self and his abstract mind.
He then starts building a reality based on the concept that reality and imagination are two separate realms.
Following that course, these people can attain happiness within the constrains of their own perceptions. Respecting a basic rule of preservation, their logical brain blocks out the stream of overflowing imagination, preventing it from becoming an extrapolated nuisance to this earthly existence.
In my case, the logical brain failed with its most basic functionality, and the stream of imagination never stopped. It grew even more powerful and omnipresent in my life to a point where I cannot pinpoint where reality stops and where fantasy begins anymore. It has became a whole that can’t be divided and this vital rupture between possible and impossible has left me with a damaged sense of perfection that is of epic proportion.
The fear of failure prevented me from having regular relations with females
The fear of failure stopped me from becoming the musician I wished I would become
The fear of failure prevented me from building up an adequate self-esteem
This underlying poison has crippled my will to go on, since my birth
The fear of failure has been undermining my general motivation in life because each time I am not able to attain the level of beauty and purity my abstract mind perceives, it destroys me with the weight of astral woe, strips me of my human dignity, buries me underneath the weight of my own demons and tramples me with echoes of never-ending failure.
Emotions are ruling my life, because they are the angry manifestation of the spiritual world I am trying to kill to be normal, adequate and loved.
I am ready to transcend this state of failure
To transgress these self-imposed rules
But waiting for a change is an antithesis by itself
And if motivation fails, how can someone generate enough strength for change?