(The opening to my true handicap)

Hostility is the first external stimulation that unearthed the symptoms of this condition
Even though it may seem like a noble human emotion
it is just another face of self-pity and a prerequisite to never-ending pain
If not handled carefully

When I was a kid, the first time someone mistreated and insulted me
I just stayed there, feeling my entire world crumbling from the inside out
And instead of fighting back, I just swallowed the pain
I didn't understand the source of what I felt nor its meaning
I just stood there and felt a fist crushing my heart and lungs

I felt the coldest of winds engulfing my whole body. I felt like everything beautiful had just abandonned me
And that my new reality would be this nightmare forever.
I couldn稚 hurt other people, even when they were hurting me.
Trying to hurt them, would hurt me even more.
I felt trapped and hopeless.
I knew I couldn稚 survive being that way.

I felt that everything I was taught until that day was useless and I felt betrayed by the ones I loved
For I couldn't defend myself from the world and its savageness.
On that precise day, a dark stream of mixed-up energies bursted inside my guts and stayed there permanently
That is the day I let evil enter my life
And it stole away my smile, my mirth and my will for the following years
But it also gave me the power to hate and hurt people

I lived in hermetic darkness
I used to carry a knife and other concealed weapons on me at all times
And I would fantasize about killing everybody in my school
Even now when I hear about school shootings, I smile when nobody's watching

All of this made it really hard to concentrate and learn throughout my youth
I had this constant vibration inside wanting me to hurt and torture
I started using drugs to dull the pain and I hung out with dead beats and the drug dealers
Everybody though I was a freak, so I decided to dress and act like one
I emulated violence and hate and I got pretty good at it
But they were never truly mine in the first place
I just adapted to survive
It is funny and sad at the same time when you realize that respect comes from fear
I didn't wanted kids because of that

I also learned how easy it was for me to lie and manipulate humans
When you fake everything you are on a daily basis
You start experimenting on human beings as they we're lab rats
To understand how to break them

To this day I still don't understand the purpose of violence in our lives
I still see it as a petty primitive outburst for weak minded people that can't be respected otherwise
I'd rather be part of an harmonious system than dominating chaos with brute force
It feels very weird to talk about this now
I feel like I've been raped and that enough time has passed for me to be able to talk about it
But the key to my salvation lies in this very day
And the way violence, cruelty and ill-willed people have been deeply affecting me since then
The key factor was that I was reacting to outside energies, but they weren’t part of me
Evil in my life was used to protect me from hostility
I used it to incubate my true essence until it was strong enough to live on it's own

I know I've been dwelling in the past for some years now
But I really needed to figure out what happened to that little blond smiling boy
Now, in my present life, the armor has been removed
And I am working daily to unroot these evil thoughts from my head
I know they are a fantasy now
Pain isn't the answer and is not more real than joy
Love doesn't live forever and when you open yourself up to greater things
You start seeing grey areas and subtleties everywhere
I have grown up and I look at my condition for what it is: A deep respect for life and beauty
And no amount of deception will ever change that
I don't see it as a weakness anymore
I am an hypersensitive human being that cries and laughs easily
Who cannot lie and hurt other people for no reason and values honor, friendship, love, strength and courage

All of this made me realize that I am just an emotional sponge
That absorbs residual emotions of the people around me
If I stay with a sad person for too long, I become sad
If I hang out with a bunch of happy people, I become happy
Being what I am, I can pick up changes of atmospheres in rooms
And if I do not focus on my own emotions
I can quickly become engulfed by the overall atmosphere of where I am standing
The same thing can happen in any social context, it is still bad for me when I go to supermarkets
If I do not train myself at being master of my emotions
It can feel like I'm sucked in a giant pool of confused emotions pouring through my every pore
This can translate to migraines, nausea and a strong feeling of oppression
That leads to social awkwardness and an urgent need to leave
I need frequent time alone, even when engaged in a relationship
When conflicts arise, I cannot go back to my normal life until it is resolved
Feelings and emotions are my primary language
Other means of communications seems imperfect and limited to me
That is why music is so essential in my life, it is the only way out

I am not trying categorize myself
I don't think doing so brings us any closer to salvation
In the opposite, it limits ourselves and our potential and the obvious drawback is to settle for less
We need to destroy fears by forcing our limitations to cave in
We need to free ourselves from our shackles, not embrace them
Any condition that dilutes the raw energies of uneasiness towards unhappiness is evil in it's foundation
I have learned that the hard way
Some people abuse our condition without knowing it
They are drawn to us, like moths to the flame, because they know that we know...
These relations can quickly become poison for us and we should avoid them
Miserable and crawling human beings will do anything to reach out
And if you bend down to pick them up, you'll end up crawling with them in the long run.
These kinds of broken human beings will just suck the living shit out of you
Until you are as miserable as they are
Living their sad emotions with them will not heal them; it will just spread the tumor
This is the real drawback to hypersensitivity
To not be able to dump people that are toxic by fear of hurting them
These soul sucking parasites will entangle you in a perpetual cycle of Pity ->Pain->Endure

I know my limits now, and this whole masquerade has shown me its true face
These people are damaged beyond repair
They won't hesitate to manipulate or stab you in the back to get what they need
Because their survival depends on it
Next time one of these people uses the 都uicide・ wildcard on me, to get attention
I will sharpen the blade and bury it in their fucking wrists myself

When I write like this, it feels like I'm boasting the drunken lullabies I howled at the moon the night before
But the real reason I am writing this
Is because it provides great relief to look at your sick and twisted self and take away its pride and raison d'黎re

These depraved, repressed feelings need to go for good.