Hymns of Failure

by Ether

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1.
09:49
2.
10:42
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16:15
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18:10
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15:38

credits

released July 12, 2015

I want to express my deepest gratitude to the following collaborators:

Karl Turpin from LIM for the audio ambiances and video montage
www.facebook.com/LIMMTL
limtl.bandcamp.com

Iraabbas and Evelyne for Piano Midtro on “Emptiness”.

Genevieve for proofreading and photography.

G. McCaughry for the artwork and album layout.
www.facebook.com/ANATHEMAPUBLISHING
anathemapublishing.bandcamp.com

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Ether Montreal, Québec

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Track Name: Failure
(The pounding voice inside commanding me to self-destruct)

The lack of cohesion between dreams and reality has plagued me for years.
With a longing for unachievable accomplishments and a profound feeling of existential failure.
In his early age, a normal human being understands the limitation of his physical-self and his abstract mind.
He then starts building a reality based on the concept that reality and imagination are two separate realms.

Following that course, these people can attain happiness within the constrains of their own perceptions. Respecting a basic rule of preservation, their logical brain blocks out the stream of overflowing imagination, preventing it from becoming an extrapolated nuisance to this earthly existence.

In my case, the logical brain failed with its most basic functionality, and the stream of imagination never stopped. It grew even more powerful and omnipresent in my life to a point where I cannot pinpoint where reality stops and where fantasy begins anymore. It has became a whole that can’t be divided and this vital rupture between possible and impossible has left me with a damaged sense of perfection that is of epic proportion.

The fear of failure prevented me from having regular relations with females
The fear of failure stopped me from becoming the musician I wished I would become
The fear of failure prevented me from building up an adequate self-esteem
This underlying poison has crippled my will to go on, since my birth

The fear of failure has been undermining my general motivation in life because each time I am not able to attain the level of beauty and purity my abstract mind perceives, it destroys me with the weight of astral woe, strips me of my human dignity, buries me underneath the weight of my own demons and tramples me with echoes of never-ending failure.

Emotions are ruling my life, because they are the angry manifestation of the spiritual world I am trying to kill to be normal, adequate and loved.

I am ready to transcend this state of failure
To transgress these self-imposed rules
But waiting for a change is an antithesis by itself
And if motivation fails, how can someone generate enough strength for change?
Track Name: Enmity
(This primal emotion that guides your mind into wanting total annihilation of what you cannot control/ be part of.)

Your peace of mind will always puzzle me

How you are able to swoop through life unharmed by its teachings
How you are able to trifle without feeling utterly useless
How happy you seem even though your goals and achievements are next to nothing
How you can talk for hours about cars or your new phone
How you can find delight in the achievements of other people
How you portray yourself as proud and interesting even though you are totally empty and predictable

Have you ever noticed how little people do listen to each other?
How little people do have to really talk about in the first place?
Empty words mechanically spurred out
About futile concerns
Why do we even talk…

When you talk to me, I am forced to remember I am a part of this
And I hate you for it, for all that silence you’ve murdered with your stupid fucking conversations
And for shaping this dull routine of existence
Where you so happily love to dwell
This lucid nightmare transcends evil itself
Evolution failed and we have attained the limits of our erred ways

I cannot control this hate, I cannot control how hard it affects me
When I realize how far away I am from this light-heartedness I bore as a child
How hard it is for me now, to be happy, after these years of struggle
I sometime envy you for it, secretly, but then it passes

I would never swap my life with yours
Because deep down I know that one day
You’ll be forced to stop hiding and take a good long look at yourself
Comfortably lying in your deathbed,
All of this darkness you have been running away from
Will come back and there will be no more place to hide

A few years back, I was soaking in the bowels of absolute despair
And all this time I thought I was the one with a defect mind
I look at you now with respite
For all you achieved is giving purpose to your empty and hollow existence
I understand now why serial killers do have an obsession with killing people like you
You do not have the right for bliss
Track Name: Coldness
(The result of the loss of compassion after you have survived your own hell.
This accidentally unhearthed in my case something I wish I'd never found out)
(– LOVE: 6:20)

The more I hated myself, the more I needed to be loved. The more I slayed demons and fears, the less love I needed to feel united, strong and peaceful.

The more I love myself, the less I need people that hate themselves in my life. The ones who breathe darkness into light. But it doesn’t mean I am above you. It just means that I can't understand and process anymore why you are so fucking weak. It means that all your ups and downs, all of your dualities, questions and struggles are now meaningless to me. It means that every time you talk to me, you are chipping away my energy. Just stop talking to me.

Love is just a need, like everything else
It isn’t sacred, nor special, nor untouchable it is just a crutch for our own weaknesses and is as imperfect as we are. It has been tarnished like everything else.
For most people, love is just an epic compensation for their lack of self-esteem and their incapacity at being happy.

When relations end
It is so easy to replace the person that held this special place with someone else
Just to cope with the pain of loss or fear of being alone
We build these new relations with the ashes of the ones before
Being certain that this new person will be better
And that this failure would never happen again
Because the person who you put your love into seems special somehow
But then suddenly, all of the things you know that ultimately led to your demise disappears
And you meet someone new
And the entire process starts all over again
The coldness I feel is a result of that understanding

The need for love is similar to the need for food.
In extreme conditions, humans will eat/drink anything to stay alive
They do the same when confronted with the darkness of solitude
Lowering themselves to be loved, even if it means to extinguish themselves
By killing their own passions and freedom.
I just can’t do that, love is not misery
And if it is, I shall forever walk alone

The fear of failure has created this distance between inner feelings and the manifestations of affection
I have tried to open up and share what’s locked inside
But every time I try I am shut down by the sad reality that no one can cope with your inner truths
And until the day I die I will bear the mark of solitude
Oh sweet isolation, from affection…

I am not trying to sully love or taint it to fit my views. This feeling haunted me even when I was happy with someone. The more I felt at peace, the more I felt we were growing apart.

This song is what I have been trying to tell you all these years, when I was far away, lost in the midst of cosmic bereavement...
Track Name: Emptiness
(The void, the absence of everything that motivates you or stimulates you, you are suffering on the inside and the external world has stopped existing. Only your inner self exists. Coldness leads to emptiness)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is said that nothing in this universe is gained or lost. That everything is in perfect balance and that everything is just altering from one state or another. Be it physical or energetic.

The underlying implication of this would be that the absence of something should be replaced by something of a similar value and that loss would always be temporary. This science was once referred to as alchemy and it was once believed that we could transmute matter and ourselves at will. But can this same process really be achieved with emotions?

What happens to your happiness when it is removed from you? Is it chopped down and redistributed to the universe in some abstract form of energy? Are you in some weird and fucked up way the benefactor of some poor distant family that just happen to have won the lottery? It seems to me that this entire thematic is somewhat reminiscent of bedtime stories we were once told as children. In my experience, joy has never been refined and evenly redistributed after its removal. It was torn away from me without any warning and left me mourning with a gaping black hole at the core of my being. This black hole couldn't be filled by anything else and would eventually devour every inch of positive thinking. It felt like I was being punished by God.

The obsession for Black Metal is my failed transmutation process
Where I tried to replace love and joy by hate and pain
It was my own way to rebalance the sheer feeling of emptiness. Because the absence of resentment is worse than any negativity
Some call it boredom, I call it the absence of purpose
And hating as well as suffering gives you a sense of purpose
In a sick and twisted way

I don't know if you ever felt this raw feeling of utter emptiness inside of you
It isn't triggered by pain, betrayal or depression
It is just something that slowly anchors to your life
When nothing out of the ordinary happens in your life anymore
The flatlining of your existence, where everyday looks exactly the same
The cold gray mornings and tasteless breakfast
The empty streets and faint lights
The uneventful and boring day at work
The same conversations ending up in whining or frustration about nothing and everything
The empty bed at night

When even the idea of suicide seems drab
And the death of a fellow human being, an information.
When time for yourself becomes time to kill
And you find yourself every night, melting away in your couch, watching TV
Hoping the day will finish, so you can wake up the next day and die a little more
Living your life on automatic pilot, sometimes even forgetting you are existing.
Life becomes like watching a movie for the thousandth time
You know how it starts and how it ends, but the surprise, suspense and entertainment are gone
Days becomes a succession of meaningless moments your need to endure before going to sleep
The need for sex, food and affection slowly disappears
You stop showering and barely go out of your house anymore
I remember masturbating to gruesome beheading videos in hope to feel disgusted again

Emptiness is really the final step before starting to kill or fall in complete madness
It is where the evil in man really dwells
It cannot be cured with pills or words of encouragement
It is beyond redemption for it is above the duality of men

The phantasm of gruesome and violent acts becomes an attempt of our mind to feel again
The only way to break out of this circle is to hit rock bottom.
By creating a clash between reality and the feeling of comfort you created while bathing in your own shit
By breaking the filter and bringing the ugliness back to the surface
The feeling of utter humiliation and revulsion of yourself is the only thing strong enough to reignite the will to live
Destroying yourself also destroys what you hate about yourself
You can then be reborn through the annihilation of your inferior trivial self

Embrace your sins, your pains and joy
And hope to prevail someday by being able to control how you feel instead of burying it so deep
That you end up forgetting how to feel again
Emotions are what makes us divine. It is the only true language in which all things communicate
It is the voice of your purpose
It is what elevates us to something more than just animals
That fuck and destroy everything that is beautiful and sacred
You should wear it as your pride, it holds the key to your own salvation

If you are still reading this, you are one of the few that still care about the path and where it leads
Instead of blindly following the flock of drones to their extinction
You have chosen the path of unwavering integrity
Where we've been forged by the fiery blade of adversity and endurance
The only true way to break down fears and boundaries.
The constant struggle of keeping evil at bay
Has bestowed upon us enough strength to support this rotting world
We are shining bright in these dark days of deceit
The manifest of darkness, has reigned long enough.

What lies ahead, is pure abiding elation
And when in doubt, always remember this:

Hell IS emptiness.
Track Name: Hypersensitivity
(The opening to my true handicap)

Hostility is the first external stimulation that unearthed the symptoms of this condition
Even though it may seem like a noble human emotion
it is just another face of self-pity and a prerequisite to never-ending pain
If not handled carefully

When I was a kid, the first time someone mistreated and insulted me
I just stayed there, feeling my entire world crumbling from the inside out
And instead of fighting back, I just swallowed the pain
I didn't understand the source of what I felt nor its meaning
I just stood there and felt a fist crushing my heart and lungs

I felt the coldest of winds engulfing my whole body. I felt like everything beautiful had just abandonned me
And that my new reality would be this nightmare forever.
I couldn稚 hurt other people, even when they were hurting me.
Trying to hurt them, would hurt me even more.
I felt trapped and hopeless.
I knew I couldn稚 survive being that way.

I felt that everything I was taught until that day was useless and I felt betrayed by the ones I loved
For I couldn't defend myself from the world and its savageness.
On that precise day, a dark stream of mixed-up energies bursted inside my guts and stayed there permanently
That is the day I let evil enter my life
And it stole away my smile, my mirth and my will for the following years
But it also gave me the power to hate and hurt people

I lived in hermetic darkness
I used to carry a knife and other concealed weapons on me at all times
And I would fantasize about killing everybody in my school
Even now when I hear about school shootings, I smile when nobody's watching

All of this made it really hard to concentrate and learn throughout my youth
I had this constant vibration inside wanting me to hurt and torture
I started using drugs to dull the pain and I hung out with dead beats and the drug dealers
Everybody though I was a freak, so I decided to dress and act like one
I emulated violence and hate and I got pretty good at it
But they were never truly mine in the first place
I just adapted to survive
It is funny and sad at the same time when you realize that respect comes from fear
I didn't wanted kids because of that

I also learned how easy it was for me to lie and manipulate humans
When you fake everything you are on a daily basis
You start experimenting on human beings as they we're lab rats
To understand how to break them

To this day I still don't understand the purpose of violence in our lives
I still see it as a petty primitive outburst for weak minded people that can't be respected otherwise
I'd rather be part of an harmonious system than dominating chaos with brute force
It feels very weird to talk about this now
I feel like I've been raped and that enough time has passed for me to be able to talk about it
But the key to my salvation lies in this very day
And the way violence, cruelty and ill-willed people have been deeply affecting me since then
The key factor was that I was reacting to outside energies, but they weren’t part of me
Evil in my life was used to protect me from hostility
I used it to incubate my true essence until it was strong enough to live on it's own

I know I've been dwelling in the past for some years now
But I really needed to figure out what happened to that little blond smiling boy
Now, in my present life, the armor has been removed
And I am working daily to unroot these evil thoughts from my head
I know they are a fantasy now
Pain isn't the answer and is not more real than joy
Love doesn't live forever and when you open yourself up to greater things
You start seeing grey areas and subtleties everywhere
I have grown up and I look at my condition for what it is: A deep respect for life and beauty
And no amount of deception will ever change that
I don't see it as a weakness anymore
I am an hypersensitive human being that cries and laughs easily
Who cannot lie and hurt other people for no reason and values honor, friendship, love, strength and courage

All of this made me realize that I am just an emotional sponge
That absorbs residual emotions of the people around me
If I stay with a sad person for too long, I become sad
If I hang out with a bunch of happy people, I become happy
Being what I am, I can pick up changes of atmospheres in rooms
And if I do not focus on my own emotions
I can quickly become engulfed by the overall atmosphere of where I am standing
The same thing can happen in any social context, it is still bad for me when I go to supermarkets
If I do not train myself at being master of my emotions
It can feel like I'm sucked in a giant pool of confused emotions pouring through my every pore
This can translate to migraines, nausea and a strong feeling of oppression
That leads to social awkwardness and an urgent need to leave
I need frequent time alone, even when engaged in a relationship
When conflicts arise, I cannot go back to my normal life until it is resolved
Feelings and emotions are my primary language
Other means of communications seems imperfect and limited to me
That is why music is so essential in my life, it is the only way out

I am not trying categorize myself
I don't think doing so brings us any closer to salvation
In the opposite, it limits ourselves and our potential and the obvious drawback is to settle for less
We need to destroy fears by forcing our limitations to cave in
We need to free ourselves from our shackles, not embrace them
Any condition that dilutes the raw energies of uneasiness towards unhappiness is evil in it's foundation
I have learned that the hard way
Some people abuse our condition without knowing it
They are drawn to us, like moths to the flame, because they know that we know...
These relations can quickly become poison for us and we should avoid them
Miserable and crawling human beings will do anything to reach out
And if you bend down to pick them up, you'll end up crawling with them in the long run.
These kinds of broken human beings will just suck the living shit out of you
Until you are as miserable as they are
Living their sad emotions with them will not heal them; it will just spread the tumor
This is the real drawback to hypersensitivity
To not be able to dump people that are toxic by fear of hurting them
These soul sucking parasites will entangle you in a perpetual cycle of Pity ->Pain->Endure

I know my limits now, and this whole masquerade has shown me its true face
These people are damaged beyond repair
They won't hesitate to manipulate or stab you in the back to get what they need
Because their survival depends on it
Next time one of these people uses the 都uicide・ wildcard on me, to get attention
I will sharpen the blade and bury it in their fucking wrists myself

When I write like this, it feels like I'm boasting the drunken lullabies I howled at the moon the night before
But the real reason I am writing this
Is because it provides great relief to look at your sick and twisted self and take away its pride and raison d'黎re

These depraved, repressed feelings need to go for good.
Track Name: Isolation
Isolation is wisdom, it entranced me with a strong sense of self-awareness
And a resting place where my soul could blossom.
A resting place I went when the pressure of social chaos, the fake smiles, loud mouthed imbeciles and overall stench of the herding mass
Was too much for me to handle
I would feel an urge to disappear completely, to soar up high like the winds of unburdened purity
Away from the smoke and sad drunken decadence

I imagined my body being deconstructed and my entire essence
Being merged with a stream of melodies and sounds
To never wake up again being a mere sack of flesh trapped in a world of ugliness
To free myself once and for all from this hellhole we call "home"
To go back in time, when we were still stardust dangling in the midst of the Etherealm

It unlocked deep understanding of my purpose here
And the actions I needed to take to better this earthly situation
I would isolate myself when everything else has failed.
A temporary solution to a permanent problem…
Now it is just a way of living.
I have come to peace with the sad reality that the more we grow old
The less patient we are with everybody else’s prominent character traits.

I also came to a point in my life where I just couldn’t deal with deception anymore.
And relying on people intricately means deception.
Not because they are intentionally harming you
But because their interests in life change with their needs
And for most people, this translates in doing the same things over and over again
They became so predictable in their patterns
That I don't even bother calling them anymore

Most people find their happiness in coziness
This appears to be a symptom caused by years of sharing your life with somebody else
And the mental state of slothfullness that comes with it.
Most people, through this process, become boring and comfortably numb
They become a swallowed and washed up version of themselves really

Everything they do needs to be planned out and there is no place for spontaneity anymore
Fuck their plans, fuck their comfort in idleness and fuck their cozy pathetic life
You know who you are
You may hate me for it, but it will not make me change the way I feel about you
Thankfully you served a purpose, as you are the canvas of what I avoid

Relying on their presence to plan your life becomes an obvious mistake
When you realize how much you changed, and how much your energy is growing uprising
Way past common interests
Even after all these years, my need for authenticity and challenges remains
And my incapacity to be happy in daily routines persists

Everything inside is constantly evolving
How can they escape this?
How can they extract themselves from these natural laws that govern all?

Thanks to a few bunch who’ve managed to stay unpredictable and uncanny
You were the ones who shielded me from suicide when I was frail
I never told you this because pride was in the way
But pride is dead now
This song is for you my true friends